Relationships are hard. Is it about sex or love? Can you be alone and be fine? Can you enjoy being by yourself? Or do you need someone there for you all the time? Do you need or do you want someone? Why? Is it because your happiness depends on it? Or you don’t like being alone? When you’re sad and alone, do you drink the sadness away? Do a bunch of drugs? Have lots of random sex? Go crazy working out at the gym? Or eat your feelings away?
You see it on social media, a wide range of thoughts and feelings about relationships, or lack thereof. There’s the on and off again relationships. There’s the “I’m lonely” posts and “I hate everyone” posts. Once in a while you’ll come across a series of “new relationship” statuses, which are eventually followed by deeply saddening breakup rants. You would also see posts from some of the same people about wanting to just “get turnt” or party all weekend long, binging on comfort food, or taking out their grief on their own bodies through extreme diets or long working out sessions.
People deal with relationship problems in a lot of different ways but rarely do people deal with the root of problem: themselves. I, myself, am guilty of my “thirsty Thursday” posts and my rants about “douchebags”, then complain about being single. I am one of those people that still have a hard time accepting the fact that I haven’t fully let go of getting hurt in the past and that’s why I have a hard time letting someone get to know me now.
My last long-term relationship ended terribly to the point that I wanted to hurt myself and the other person. I didn’t even want to talk to my therapist about it and I was too proud to admit to my best group of friends that they were right. The guy was not the one for me. I wasn’t in love anymore. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I was afraid that all the time and energy I’ve invested in making the relationship work was going to waste. I was afraid that I would never find anyone like him ever again. I was afraid that without him, I was nothing. I was afraid I would be alone.
That fear of being alone was confusing ‘love’ with companionship. I had to be reminded that love comes in many different forms. There’s that love we give and receive from family, friends, a lover, a life partner, and even a higher power. It’s all love. There’s just variations on how we express or receive it. There’s also different reasons why they exist or why we express it. That failed relationship I had, I thought I loved him ‘completely’. But in the end, I realized I ‘loved’ him because he filled that empty space in my heart from missing out on bonding with my brother and my dad.
I decided to go numb and I ate my feelings away. I didn’t care about men’s emotions as long as I got what I want. Instead of admitting to myself that “he did me wrong”, I excused his failures and made them my own. Instead of admitting to myself that I already knew he’s not the one for me to marry, I ignored it and poured my energy into having fun. And then I had a medical concern and saw my doctor and he said, “If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll have a heart attack in the next couple of years.”
I was emotionally and mentally unwell and it was affecting my physical health.
To get back on track with my health and wellness, I had to face my ‘demons’ head-on. WE have to face our ‘demons’ head-on. We, who struggle with sex, dating and relationships, have to confront ourselves on why we’re desperate to keep someone. Is it because we want someone else to give us our sense of value or fill an empty space? You have to define what love meant to you. You can have all the forms of love from one person and that’s great. But if not, it’s okay because you can have it from so many other people you know.
Learn that happiness is from external influences and passes when the influence is gone. But joy is coming from the inside and no one can take that away. You would have to give it up to lose it. That joy is the love that you need to realize is YOUR love for YOURSELF, with all your flaws, with all your successes and lessons learned from your failures. Accept the lesson of being at peace with yourself at this moment. This is where you are in life, for now. Learn that love, romantic love, the marrying kind of love, or dating kind of love will happen IF it’s right for you, with the right person, at the right time.
For now, BE in love with yourself. And that can give you joy. If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me on MOOVZ!