I love my boyfriend, but I have sex with other men. So, it can’t be true love, can it? In a monogamous world, an open relationship can raise a lot of questions, doubts, and some people have even looked down on me (or my relationship). I’ve never doubted whether or not I love my boyfriend, nor the absolute confidence I have in my relationship. If you’re curious, I invite you to continue reading; I’ve gathered 10 of the most frequently asked questions about my open relationship.
How did you decide to have an open relationship?
In our case, the decision was made due to my work – the possibility of spending many months at a time on another continent put a big question mark over our relationship: How would we make it work? At dinner together in Israel, realising that separation was not a solution for either of us, but recognising that we are both at stages in our life where we have so much to explore, to discover, to live – we settled on a “non-traditional” relationship. The concept grew from there.
What are the rules of an open relationship?
That depends on every couple. We set out some rough guidelines when we started, and the rules came after, as – through transparent communication – we discovered what we liked, what felt good, and what overstepped the line. In short, sex is absolutely acceptable – romantic dates with other guys are not. We are in an open relationship, but we do not consider ourselves polyamorous. Other couples set rules like allowing sex only when one or both are travelling, or not having sex with guys from their city.
Do you tell your partner when you’re meeting another guy?
Yes. If we are in the same city, we will almost always tell each other before we meet anyone else. When one of us is travelling, the urgency is not there – but we still tell each other. In our case, we enjoy going into detail. I recognise we’re not like other couples in this sense, but we love sharing the details of our ‘adventures’ over dinner or over the phone later. For us, it’s part of what unites us – and part of the fun.
Do you do threesomes?
Yes, we do. Not all couples in open relationships do threesomes, and not all couples that do threesomes have open relationships, but in our case we do both. I love them. Part of what I love is sharing the experience of discovery, the excitement, the intimacy of a new guy – his touch, his scent, his presence – I love sharing it with my boyfriend. Sometimes, I take a step back and just look. It’s amazing to see my beautiful man enjoying intimacy with another guy.
Don’t you get jealous?
The short answer is no, I don’t get jealous. Sometimes I might feel a little envy, which is not the same thing. Jealousy is the fear my boyfriend will leave me for someone else – I have 100% faith in my boyfriend. I am not scared he will leave me. Now, envy is another thing – sometimes he has these amazing experiences that I haven’t had… yet. Let’s be honest, though. I can feel envious about a holiday my mum took, or a meal my friend ate. It’s important not to confuse jealousy and envy.
Don’t you feel it weakens your relationship?
Not in the slightest. In fact, I feel the absolute opposite – the mutual agreement we have, the trust, it makes us among the strongest relationships I’ve ever known. How many monogamous relationships have you seen fall apart when one (or both) cheat? I’m not saying everyone should have an open relationship, but, it certainly makes it easier to remove the repression of your partner – this is the first and only time in my life I’ve felt comfortable to describe every detail of my feeling, every urge, everything that turns me on, and not be frightened of what I could be accused of.
What if you fall in love with someone else?
I won’t. At least, I’m almost certain I won’t. I’m almost certain he won’t either – but I can always ask the same question about a monogamous relationship: What if you fall in love with someone else? Personally, I don’t think that having an open relationship makes it any more likely either of us with fall in love with someone else. We’re in love with each other.
Do you practise safer sex? What about STIs?
Yes – and here, I have to trust my boyfriend 100%. I do, by the way. We always practise safer sex with other guys, whether it’s a threesome or we’re having sex separately. Of course, there are other STIs and STDs than HIV which can be transmitted via oral sex – and us, along with almost 100% of gay guys, don’t use condoms for oral sex. For this reason, we also go for regular sexual health tests. You can find out more about sexual health for men who have sex with men on Moovz app: www.moovz.com/r/playsafe
Do you think you’ll always be in an open relationship?
I guess not… or maybe, who knows? What I know is that we are very happy right now. I can’t tell you what we’ll feel in 10 years’ time, or when we’re retiring. All I know is that this is the best relationship I’ve ever had, and the best relationship I can imagine having – and to a certain level that’s down to the open relationship, and the trust and unity it generates. I suppose it’s possible that one of us will get jealous, but the foundation of our relationship is communication – we know long before a thought or a concern becomes a problem because we talk about everything, openly, without fear. So, at least for now, there is no reason we will be closing our relationship.
Would you recommend being in an open relationship?
Yes. Yes, I would. Every couple is a world of their own, and every person can feel different feelings – some are more jealous, others more laid back, some have less self-confidence and might feel more threatened by an open relationship and others might forget to take their partner into account at all times – but for me it’s all about the communication. If you feel comfortable to communicate everything – things you feel, things you feel you should feel or you shouldn’t feel – then you’ve got the foundation for a healthy open relationship, if that’s what you want.
Still curious to know more? Connect with me on Moovz. You can follow me here 👉 www.moovz.com/r/lloyd